Ernest Borgnine And Lee Marvin Audition For Brokeback Mountain

Gleefully stolen from rcl at Ace of Spades because it's just too good not to steal.

FOCUS MOTION PICTURES STUDIOS: 2:00 PM: SOMETIME IN
THE NOT TO DISTANT PAST:

“Mister Borgnine, thank you so much for coming. I’m
Michael Costigan. This is Tom Cox. And you probably
know Ang Lee, our director for this project.”
“Angry about what?’
“Excuse me?”
“What’s he angry about?”
“Oh, Ang, sir. Ang Lee. May I call you Earnest?”
“You get punched in the face a lot, don’t you?”
“Oh, well, Mister Borgnine. I just want to tell you
what an honor it is that you are considering this
role. After I saw you in the Wild Bunch and with Lee
Marvin in Bad Day at Black Rock...well, I just knew
you would be perfect for Brokeback Mountain.”
“Bareback Mountain?”
“Brokeback, sir.”
“Naa, I’m fine. It hardly bother’s me at all anymore.
Lee’s on this film?’
“He should be here any minute. Excuse me for a
moment. Margaret. Margaret!”
“I think you’re pressing the wrong button there,
Mike.”
“Oh, yea. Margaret?”
“Yes sir, mister Costigan?”
“Is Lee Marvin here yet?”
“I’m sending him in right now, sir.”
“Wonderful. Just wonderful. Earnest Borgnine and Lee
Marvin together again in an Ang Lee film. I can see
the poster now...Mister Marvin, so glad you could make
it.”
“Yea. Ernie, how the hell are you?”
“Great Lee, just great.”
“Mister Marvin. Have a seat, please. May I call you
Lee?”
“Didn’t I punch you in the face last time you asked
me that?’
“Um, well, Mister Marvin, this is Ang Lee, our
director.”
“Anglee what? Don’t you have a last name, boy?”
“It’s Lee sir.”
“What did I tell you about calling me Lee?”
“Sorry, sir. Um, well, the project...”
“Yes, the project. Mike, you mind if I take it from
here?”
“Of course, Tom. You guys know Tom Cox, right?...
Well, anyway, This is Tom Cox. He’s the other producer
on this project. Go ahead, Tom.”
“Okay, gentlemen, here it goes. Brokeback Mountain:
‘Love is a force of Nature.’”
“I like the title. Sounds tough.”
“Thank you Mister Marvin. Anyway, You will be playing
Ennis Del Mar. And Mister Borgnine will be playing
Jack Twist. You’re two cowboys, riding, side by side
in the modern West.”
“Oh, good, a Western. There ain’t been a good Western
since John Ford died.”
“Yes, sir mister Borgnine. We feel this is the sort
of project Mister Ford would have taken on if he were
around today.”
“Anglee, you ain’t comparing yourself to mister Ford,
are you?”
“Well, no mister Marvin...”
“’Cause if you are, I’ve got to be the one to tell
you, you don’t look like you could carry his jock
strap.”
“Yes sir, mister Marvin.”
“He don’t look like he could carry a jock strap, does
he Ernie?”
“Who the hell wears a jock strap, Lee? Jesus Christ
on a crutch. I’m gonna be late for supper if you all
don’t get to the point. Get on with it Cock.”
“Cox, sir. Tom Cox.”
“Whatever. Get on with it.”
“Yes sir. Anyway. The two of you are riding through
the range, and it gets to be nightfall, and there’s
only the one pup tent...”
“Pup tent? What the hell kind of cowboy sleeps in a
pup tent?”
“Well, mister Marvin, it’s cold out...”
“It could be colder than a witches tit with frost
bite. I ain’t never heard of no cowboy sleeping in no
pup tent. You think Chuck Bronson needed a pup tent in
Death Hunt?”
“No sir. Well, anyway, there’s just the one tent, and
it’s freezing out...”
“That’s right, freezing. Not just cold. Freezing.”
“I get it. Me and Lee here got to fight to the death
over who gets the tent and who freezes to death
outside, right?”
“Well, mister Borgnine, there is some wrestling...of
a sort.”
“Yes, of a sort.”
“You see, you both share the pup tent.”
“Excuse me, boy?”
“We do what?”
“Lee...Sir...Gentlemen. It’s a matter of survival,
and...”
“And it is really very cold out...”
“Oh, hold on a second, Earnie. I get it. I lure Ernie
here into the tent with me, then I cut him open and
crawl inside him to stay warm.”
“That’s a hell of an ending, boys.”
“Thank you mister Borgnine...um...well no, mister
Marvin, you do end up inside him....”
“What the hell are you boys getting at here, anyway?
We don't’ fight to the death. Lee don’t cut me open
and crawl inside me to keep warm. There’s a pup
tent...Who’s playing the love interest? I mean who are
we gonna be fighting over?”
“I hope they got Jill Ireland.”
“Or Jackie Bisset maybe. Now there’s someone I could
share a pup tent with.”
“Well, that’s just it, gentlemen. The love
interest...”

EIGHT AND ONE HALF MINUTES LATER:

“We’re here on the scene of a tragic fire at Focus
Motion Pictures Studios, where the entire building has
just mysteriously burned to the ground.
Award winning director Ang Lee, and producers Tom Cox
and Michael Costigan were found inside the wreckage of
the building, apparently bludgeoned to death.
Officials state that it will require DNA testing to
determine which body parts belong to who.
Back to you in the studio.”