Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"Lutefisk Papers" Could Derail Third Party Candidacy, Destroy Anglo-American Relations

Iowahawk Burge, who is running for President on the Burge/Goldstein ticket with the promise of "a 1932 Ford coupe in every garage and a lutefisk in every pot", is feverishly scouring the blogosphere for bootleg copies of posts from his blog.

In this story, first reported by prominent conservative blogger, Patterico Frey, a veteran newspaper columnist and talk-radio personality but best known through his sister, Amber, who achieved national notoriety as "the other woman" in the Laci Peterson tragedy, the Burge/Goldstein campaign's tentacles have even invaded the sacred precincts of Canterbury Cathedral and beyond.

Our usually reliable source, Char Donnay, has confirmed that what Iowahawk is after is a "lutefisk with tofu and sun-dried tomatoes" recipe which he foolishly concocted after a driving several hours in a car with a leaking nitrous oxide cylinder. Should this recipe fall in the hands of his political opponents, it would be the basis of any number of negative ads which could cause him to lose every state which has voters with taste buds.

Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury, was burned at the stake by Queen Mary I of England in 1566. For his penance in purgatory, he has been consigned to blogging on church-state issues in today's England. But even such semi-blessed state was no bar to The Rusty Tire Irons, an elite group within the Burge/Goldstein campaign, whose job is to "control the message" in a way Hillary Clinton could only dream of. As proven.

We attempted to contact Mr. Burge for his side of this story. Even though he was under a '57 Chevy Bel Air in his driveway, we have to say that he answered us in the manner of a future Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of The United States: "Pass me that torque wrench, willya?"

Similarly, His Grace The Archbishop of Canterbury's response was what one would expect from the highest ranking and most dignified of clergymen: "Mary Tudor was a murderous, congenital syphilitic but, boy, did she have a great pair of knockers!"

At his home, Jeff Goldstein, Iowahawk's Vice-Presidential running mate, indicated with hand gestures that he had severe laryngitis and could not talk to us. He was, however, a very gracious host. He poured us double shots of absinthe laced with ether. We are still at a loss, though, why we remember him as a dangerous-looking armadillo with Cheetos crumbs on his snout.

(Amber Frey story contributor: Xrlq.)

[Publisher's Note: Should anyone wish to copy and reproduce this post in its entirety, without attribution or link back to this site, please ask for permission in the comments. I will be inclined to grant it. I would rather have that armadillo after you instead of after me.]


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