Monday, March 26, 2007

An Open Offer For Flatulence Offsets To Al Gore

Dear Mr. Gore:

I offer you flatulence offsets at $10.00 per fart on the honor system. Every time you break wind, you pay me ten dollars. Every time I break wind, I refund ten dollars to you. What do you say?

As every enviromentally correct person knows, the major cause of global warming is
mammalian flatulence. This world would be so much better off if mammals, and for that matter vertebrates of any kind, had never appeared and the world were populated only by plants, just enough insects to pollinate them and just enough bacteria to biodegrade them in the inevitable "Circle of Life". But that is just wishful thinking.

Well, as though things were not bad enough, among all the climate's other calamities, you appeared. At 6'1" and 300-plus pounds, you are an environmental disaster. I'll leave your lifestyle, like your mansion and Gulfstream jet, for discussion on another day. Right now, I just want to talk about your farting.

Surely you realize that you cannot get as fat as a pig without eating like a pig and consequently farting like a pig. This must certainly distress a sensitive, responsible person like yourself and I am here to "share your pain". And to give you an opportunity to share a portion of my happiness. At a price.

I am 6'3" tall and weigh 165 pounds. Because I don't eat more than I need to. As a happy consequence, my flatulence level is also very low and I wake up every morning delirious at the thought of how little damage I am doing to our world's climate. Wouldn't you like to have your fourteen thousand calories per day offset by my twenty-five hundred?

Contrary to the popular aphorism, you can buy happiness. On the terms set forth above subject to ironing out the details. Please email me for further negotiation if you are interested.


Anonymous Dana said...

You're 6'3 and 165 lb? Eat something, damn it!

I caught heck (not quite Hell) from some of my readers for the lovely protester's thin physique when I stole the picture in your post below. Now I know why you liked her! :)

Fri Mar 30, 08:46:00 PM  
Blogger nk said...

Heh! I have the body of a teenager. Please don't tell the police. JUST KIDDING.

I cannot gain weight no matter what I do. It may have to do with my metabolism. My cholesterol/triglyceride levels and ratios are amazing. It may also have to do with my farmboy youth.

I do eat well. USDA major food groups. I do not eat sweets. I just don't like them. A little sugar in my coffee if I have it, and if I don't I don't care.

Fri Mar 30, 09:36:00 PM  

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